Remembering
The picture on this page is of my wife, she was the most beautiful girl who ever paid attention to this opinionated jaded fool. She and I had some hard times in our first years, there were days when I wondered if we would ever last the distance.
We did, and it was worth every second we spent on it. I long for her, I miss her more than anyone has ever missed anyone in their entire lives. Sometimes I sit and wonder if I will ever know what it feels like to ever feel that way again, I doubt it! There could never be another woman like her.
My wife suffered for 7 years with a seizure disorder, losing big portions of her day, and ultimately being trapped in a world that held her captive, she could not drive, she could not work, and the medications the doctors poured down her throat robbed what was left of her personality.
It was the meds that finally took her life, that and the sadness of things that happened to her at the hands of some terrible people in her earlier life. Even in the face of everything she endured, Rachael never complained, never gave up on us and always tried her best to make sure we were happy and well taken care of. I have never known that kind of love before or since.
We love you Rachael. James, Skyler, Brady bear, and chelsea.

Today

Introduction
It is July now and it has been a few months since my life was turned upside down by the passing of my beautiful wife Rachael. The road back to any sort of normalcy has been one of constant doubt and wonder. In the past months I have ran the ranges of emotions.
It is like having a piece of you removed forever. Some nights when I am alone in my bed feeling the cool emptiness of her side of the bed all I want to do is roll over and die, but I have children that depend on me and that simply is not an option.
I fight the guilt of not being there for her when she needed me the most, of feeling as if it is somehow my fault that she is gone and the feeling is not easily put into words. The lonliness is eating away at me, day by day by day. Some days I feel as if it is all going to overwhelm me and I will collapse in a useless heap on the floor.
It is not easy to try to live again in the face of such agonizing sadness. I hope no one reading this ever has to face anything like this in their lives.